How To Feel Like You Belong No Matter What

Ever walk into a crowded room and feel all alone?

There is nothing like feeling as if you are in the wrong place. Don't belong. Are not wanted somewhere.

WE ALL FEEL IT. And, for women, midlife can magnify this because so many places where they felt at home and needed are shifting. Changing. 

So how do we handle this? How do we make that vital decision to stay engaged with our lives by building up the crucial connections that our hearts need so badly?

That's what we're talking about here. How to become a Beautiful Warrior and face this midlife challenge.

In this podcast you are going to learn:

• What to do when you feel all alone
• A Secret skill you can learn when you walk into a room of strangers
• How changing on thought can help you relax and connect
• How you can believe in yourself and what you have to bring to the table

Come in and join us as we become Midlife Women on a Mission!

Download here:  FREE e-Book:  How To Find Your Passionately Personal Midlife Mission

____________________________________________________
Are you in the struggle of navigating midlife with grace and power? I hear ya!

How about a daily injection of "Beautiful Warrior wisdom" injected into your day?

"The Way of the Beautiful Warrior." Our brief daily emails provide insights and inspiration, turning the challenge of midlife into an empowering adventure.

Click this link and embrace your journey as a Beautiful Warrior today.

Transcript

(00:01):

Welcome back, my beautiful warriors. I am so excited to be back with you today in this podcast. I had a hard time writing this one, and I'm not sure why exactly, because we're talking about belonging. Maybe this is something that I have kind of a mental block about. But anyways, it is what it is. I have it here, and I like what I am going to be talking to you about today. So just bear with me. I guess we are all learning together, which is always true. Anyways, so I'm in a crowd, but I feel all alone. Have you ever felt that way? You know, you walk into a crowded room, but you still feel alone or as if a spotlight is shining on you and you just want to hide in the corner. This is something, uh, that talking about this is something that midlife women go through.

(01:04):

You know, we've come through a very busy time in our lives raising families, you know, all those years, uh, 45 and back are often filled with busy schedules, busy times, busy life, and then you get to the place where things sort of gradually taper off, and you're finding yourself sort of wondering, where do I fit? Now, I think that maybe we should call midlife the art of mastering change, <laugh>, because it's not just hormonal change. It's all kinds of changes that happen. Loneliness, feeling as if you're not connected anymore is a fallout of that. And really in the long run, hear me out, this can be a good thing. After all, you're an individual and the big picture that I'm forever talking about is that you are a heart walking on a path called life. You just, you alone. You were born all alone and you will die when it's time alone.

(02:23):

You can't take anyone with you, just like you couldn't bring anyone with you unless you had a twin. But even then, you didn't really bring them with you. Still, you are, you're just an individual born into the world. This is a true fact, right? It sounds kind of heartbreaking, doesn't it? But really, it sounds that way because though we walk our life alone, we're not meant to be alone at any stage. And I think that's just our heart reacting to that. We are not alone. We don't wanna be alone. There are others who are walking their paths beside us and crisscrossing back and forth over ours, here and there at all different stages.

(03:07):

Those paths, those people walking on those paths are the people in our lives that provide us with our companionship, with connection deep inside. We all have this need to love and be loved right now, remember Robert Reacher. He's the researcher who developed the five components of well-being, (a k a self-esteem) to help elementary school teachers help children to feel better about themselves and fit into the classroom. The five components apply as much to us as it does to them. We're all people, we're all human beings, and none of us wanna be alone. We all have that need to be intertwined, to be connected. So the five components here, uh, I'm gonna list them and see if you identify with any of them.

(04:16):

First one, I need to feel secure. I need to know I'm safe. Second, I need an identity. I need to know who I am. And third, I need to belong. I need to know others accept me. Fourth, I need purpose. I need to know what I want to achieve. And the fifth one, I need to feel competent. I need to know I'm capable. So the third component is what I wanna talk about today. This whole thing about I need to belong, which is really about feeling connected and loved and accepted. Something people lose as they get older. And midlife, of course, is the testing ground. If you're walking through midlife, you are going to be making all kinds of decisions as you go along because this is the time in the middle of your life when you have the life experience from the past and you're going into the future and you're deciding, who am I going to be?

(05:29):

So let's look at belonging today. What do I do when I feel all alone? The question of the hour. And there are many of us who have struggled with feeling alone at various stages in our lives. It's not uncommon for women to feel as if they're on the outside looking in, struggling with feelings of loneliness and not belonging. This is magnified when life shifts beyond 45, 50 and up. And no wonder because relationships and connections change at that time in our lives. So what can you do with that feeling of being alone in a crowd or anywhere when you're at your desk at work or when you wake up in the morning? I feel that a lot. I wake up in the morning and I just, until I come to the surface and really realize the things that I'm looking forward to doing that day, I feel very much alone.

(06:34):

For most of us early in life, our identity is found in our connections connected to our families. We say, I'm a mom. Connected to our careers, we say, "I'm a manager, or a doctor, or a career counselor", whatever it is. Connected to the romantic relationship in our lives, we say, I'm a wife or a girlfriend, a fiance. But then as we've said, in the middle, it all shifts and our place in life changes

(07:10):

in many cases in all of these, uh, areas of life. All of these I places of identification, kids grow and our place in their lives. Isn't the same people at work leave or the work itself changes and you don't know if you like where you're being asked to fit anymore. Your husband passes away or you go through a divorce or your relationship, <laugh> needs some work. Friends move away. Parents grow.

(07:46):

Old neighbors sell their houses. Oh, even that affects me sometimes. I know I'm probably the only one, but just change is sometimes hard to adapt to and it can leave us feeling at a loss alone. Drifting for a bit, wondering how we fit into this new scenario. Chronic loneliness has been linked to a range of physical and mental health issues. I'm sure you've heard this, including depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, and even an increased risk of heart disease.

(08:29):

So we have some choices to make in this middle time of our lives. Do I withdraw and settle in believing that it's too much for me to change with the times, or do I take my sweet self out there and embrace the adventure? I love that my sweet self. This is why knowing who you are at your core is so important. Then when life changes, you're not tied to anything.

(09:09):

You remain the same person and all you have to do is adjust to the new situation. Many women end up making this first choice about withdrawing. You know who they are. I'm sure you have friends, you have relatives, you have parents who have done this. They can't seem to find new places to belong in this stage of life. And so they don't. They keep as much the same as they can and spend the rest of their time by themselves on the couch, living their lives vicariously through others, by watching Netflix and eating their favorite junk food.

(09:53):

I watched women dearly loved choose to slip into the background. They lost touch with who they really were inside and pretty much gave up on themselves and on life. You know what the saddest thing that I find about that is that some of life's greatest gifts to the world were lost because of that. Let me say that again. Some of life's greatest gifts to the world were lost because of that. Writing, painting, leading, setting trends, leaving amazing legacies of strength and resilience. All of these end up with being withheld from those who need them out there in the world.

(10:53):

If you do that, if you just choose to withdraw and to not try to find where you belong in this new landscape, it leaves the world without you in it. Maybe you're there but you're not present without. The world ends up without what you can give it. And you, you miss out on all the adventures of where your gifts and passions may take you. You miss out on all the tremendous warmth of knowing that you lifted someone up, made their journey easier just by giving something that you had to give.

(11:45):

Now I hear you. It is difficult to start new friendships and become involved in new activities once you get older. You're so much less confident you haven't had to do that for a long time. It's hard. The easy way though, is to choose to stay where you are. However, we don't take the easy way, right? Cuz we are beautiful warriors and beautiful warriors. Don't settle, right? We look the challenge right in the eye, size it up and find a way around it.

(12:29):

If this is you, I wanna give you a plan. Here are some steps to take to help you start to reestablish that sense of belonging again, of of being loved, of, of being loving of a, as making those connections out there that are so important. First, see every person you meet as someone fascinating, you know that you're normal. This is all normal, by the way. Nothing is odd about this. We all go through it. So don't think that you are an exception. We all face this choice at many different transition times in our lives. Coming out of your cubby hole is an act of bravery.

(13:23):

But what if it was a fun act of bravery? What if you were to look at it as adventurous, intriguing. What if every new person you met at an event or wherever you were, became someone interesting and you were simply curious about them? This would lead you to asking lots of questions about what they do and what they know. Soaking up life through the eyes of someone who's not you. Can you imagine all you could learn? Not to mention how many people you would relax because you got them talking about themselves.

(14:13):

People love that, and that is the key to having good conversations. Secondly, change your thoughts to belonging thoughts. Not long ago a group of women I was working with all went out for dinner together. The average age was most likely 38 or so. I hadn't been in that position long, and I found myself with that familiar feeling of not belonging there <laugh>.

(14:41):

So I, I felt myself starting to withdraw and I would've leaned back further and further until I just stopped talking and watched. But I caught what I was doing, telling myself something that wasn't true. So, you know what I did? It was very simple. I replaced the thought of, I don't belong here with the thought. I belong here, I belong here.

(15:11):

As soon as I said it a couple of times to myself in my head, I began to feel differently and feeling differently. I began to laugh, to tell my stories and to join in the conversation. I ended up having a really good time. It was such a, a good, um, example to me of how you can change your thoughts, which change your feelings, which then change your actions and it completely changes your results. So talk your way through these situations. Drop into your heart, outta your head and find a new thought.

(15:48):

To think in the situation where you start to feel insecure. See what your brain is saying. Decide if that's true or if it's just a fear reaction, and then take control. In every case, you're gonna be glad that you did it. So third, believe in what you bring to the world. This is my favorite one, by the way. What you bring to any table is unique and compelling because you are one of a kind.

(16:22):

Now, I love this story. I came across of Jane, a midlife woman who struggled with feelings of not belonging. She had spent years as a stay-at-home mom, and when her kids left for college, she found herself at loose ends. She tried to fit in with other moms in her neighborhood, but she always felt like an outsider. One day, Jane decided to volunteer at a local animal shelter. She had always loved animals and she thought it might be a good way to meet new people.

(16:53):

Good thinking, Jane. See how she was thinking outside the box too. Going to new places, joining new groups to meet new people. At first, she felt nervous and out of place, aha. But as she spent more time at the shelter, she didn't give up. She didn't withdraw. She realized that she had something to offer. She was great with the animals and she had a knack for calming nervous dogs. Over time, Jane began, became a fixture at the shelter. She made friends with the other volunteers and she even started teaching dog dreaming classes. Yay Jane. That is so awesome. She had found her place and she felt like she belonged.

(17:43):

This is the key. Finding your purpose and mission in life can bring a confidence that exceeds anything else. And that can even be a becoming a dog trainer. That could be your mission because you could influence, you could help, you could support, you could bring more uh, goodness into the world by being a dog trainer. When you know what you're meant to do, when you have a sense of direction and purpose, you feel like you belong in the world, you become more resilient, more adaptable, and more confident. So find your mission, my lovely ladies.

(18:29):

Now imagine walking into a crowded room, knowing your mission, knowing who you are. You only know one or two people there, but that's not what you focus on. You see it as an entire room of interesting people who you don't know yet. Coffee cup in hand. You walk over to a woman nervously standing there alone. You smile and you say hi. The way you see it, life is filled with the adventure of taking who you are wherever you go, and offering whatever you can in every situation. Now, as we said, it's not uncommon for women to feel as if they're on the outside looking in, struggling with feelings of loneliness and not belonging. Imagine if you knew that isn't who you wanted to be and you were mastering the art of change by living your purpose. Imagine if you focused on being a woman on a mission.

(19:41):

You are amazing, and I am in awe at all the gifts and the insights and wisdom of each of you. All of those things that each of you bring into the world. I hope to get to meet with each of you one day and hear what you see as your mission in these middle years. There is so much variety and uniqueness out there, so many things that we can bring to the world. If you'd like some help figuring that out, refining it, putting it into action, Hey, I'm the one to connect with. Just let me know. At the very least, use the template I've set up for you in my ebook about finding your why, your mission. The link is in the show notes, or if you're looking at this on my website, www.bernicemcdonald.com. Then the link is on the side to, uh, just fill in your email

(20:46):

Address, send it to me, and the book is yours. All right? I will talk to you in the next podcast where we'll be putting the spotlight on my most passionate topic. As you can tell, always purpose. Take care of yourselves, live strong, and be those women on um, mission.