S.O.F.T. and Strong: Brave Enough For Love

Episode 43: 3 Ways You May Be Pushing A Man Away

July 31, 2021 Bernice McDonald
S.O.F.T. and Strong: Brave Enough For Love
Episode 43: 3 Ways You May Be Pushing A Man Away
Show Notes Transcript

You are lovely - inside and out. Lord knows, you're trying to be brave by getting out there and dating.

But you're asking yourself...Where are all the good guys? The ones who want a commitment - not just a fling?

Why is it that every time it seems as if the chemistry is working, it just fizzles out?

Is it me? Is it them? Is it that I just haven't met "the one" yet?

OK. First of all, you're not alone. You're not the only one.

Just because you're friends who you thought would have a tough time finding a guy are surprising you by finding exactly what they want and you're coming up with nothing, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

You may just need to tweak your approach a little. Give a listen and see if any of the 3 things I talk about here ring any bells with you.

And then...for a few more to think about, download my the free assessment with the 5 things to ask your heart to see if you're Ready For Love.

Don't give up...GROW. Find out what's not working and then GROW into being the confident yet S.O.F.T. woman who has the choice of picking and choosing who she will love because she has so many pursuing her.

You got this, Gorgeous!

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PSSST! Hey Beautiful...you know the love your heart is longing for - the one you only let yourself think about before you fall asleep or in your super quiet moments during the day?  I WANT YOU TO HAVE THAT. And I know how you can find it. Reaching for it but being afraid to get hurt again is like having your foot on the gas and the brake at the same time. I have a very simple 2 step Strategy I use with women who want to FINALLY get free of the fear and go for every one of their dreams. Schedule a Brave Enough Strategy call and let's get you moving into the love you're afraid is just a dream.

Episode 43: 3 Ways You May Be Pushing A Man Away

(3s):
What do you do when you're a woman pushing beyond 50 and you wish you could just fast forward past the dating parts? How do you find the love? And the guy, you know, is out there. You step up to be Brave enough. You refuse to give up on the magic. You create a man plan and you go for it - one day at a time. One date at a time. I'm Bernice. McDonald, your Love Coach. And that's what I had to do. And that's what we're talking about in this podcast, Brave enough for Love.

(44s):
So come on in. So is this you, you know, you've got a lot to offer. You're interesting. You're smart. You've survived a lot of drama in your life and you've come through not too badly. As far as you're concerned, you may not be the most gorgeous woman in the world, but you take care of yourself. You look good. You smell good. So why is it so hard to find a man who will call you back or stay in a relationship long enough to see where it could go?

(1m 26s):
Why is it so hard to even find somebody to ask you out on a second date? I feel your pain. I know what this is like. I am here to help you learn to be Brave Enough to face these things and to figure out what's at the bottom of it. You're asking yourself... Is it me? Are they just not attracted to me? Is it them? Are there just no good men out there who want to stick with it? Okay. I'm going to tell you something here that you might not like to hear, but it is the truth.

(2m 10s):
There may be things that you're doing that are actually creating a barrier to men. You might be pushing them away without even realizing that you're doing it. Now, this is part of being Brave. It's facing the truth. It's learning. That's the wonderful thing about deciding that you're going to be Brave is that you're willing and open to learn how to adjust so that maybe you can open the door to just let that magic come pouring in. So we are going to talk, as the title in our podcast says today, about three ways that you may be pushing men away all.

(2m 59s):
And I want you to face this with courage. Okay? The first one is you may be expecting angels to sing when you meet him. Yeah, of course, it's going to be a little bit of attraction and you are going to feel a bit of a pull or a bit of a sense of relaxing, being able to just be at a home with him. You're going to want to have that, yes. But what a lot of women do is that they expect things to move way faster than they actually do the truth. Is it just doesn't always happen That way.

(3m 41s):
Love has to unfold. And as a love unfolds, so does attraction and it all starts with getting to know each other. And sometimes that takes time. And patience. And it also sometimes takes dating more than one guy at a time. And just letting a man that you really like make his choice about whether or not he's ready or available or in a place where he can be dating you and pursuing the relationship. Sometimes we just want to rush it because ,I know...

(4m 23s):
you just want to be past the dating part, right? You just want to fast forward, but having this sense of wanting things to happen really quickly can push a man away because you can accidentally start to put pressure on him so that you're creating an expectation on him that he's just not ready for. And what he really needs is for you just to go about living your life so that he can come to you and make his own decision. Because that's what really attracts a man to you is being a woman who is just living her life, going on about her business and letting a guy make his own decisions.

(5m 8s):
So that's the first one. You might be expecting the angels to sing too quickly. The second way that you might be pushing a man away is you give too much. You accommodate his schedule. You drop by and just happened to be in the neighborhood and bring him lunch, right? You try too hard to get his attention or you use everything to try to find out how to relate to him but you are anything but yourself.

(5m 48s):
Now, this is really common. And I fell into this trap so much when I was first dating after my separation. This is because of the story that you're telling yourself - the story that says I'm not really enough so I need to do a lot. I need to give, give, give so that he will like me and he won't stop long enough to really see the real me. Because if he really sees the real me, he might not like me. We do this so easily, ladies, and you will find that you're trying to get his attention so much that you're forgetting to be who you are.

(6m 37s):
And he will get that sense that you aren't being authentic. He will wonder who you really are. And he'll be kind of puzzled that you're coming on so strong, so fast, again, most likely,.And you,, on the other hand will always have this sense of waiting for him to break up with you, to wait for the other shoe to drop. And that also will be kind of a mixed signal from him. You're rushing ahead giving so much to him. And yet you have this hesitation, this fear of, and sometimes that makes us put words in his mouth, right? It makes us jump to conclusions.

(7m 17s):
When it comes to our relating to him in that way, it all becomes kind of confusing and a little bit uncertain. And so you will push him away. So the third thing that you may be doing to push him away is that you don't trust him. And it shows. Now men are not the most intuitive beings by reputation, right? But that doesn't mean that they don't sense who a woman is. They don't pick up on her vibes. Women who are afraid won't accept help.

(8m 1s):
They will push a man away by putting on this bravado like, oh no, that's fine. I can do this myself. I don't need your help. It's okay. No, I got this. Even to the point, I remember hearing a story about a guy telling, talking about a couple who were getting to know each other. And she was so bad, she would carry her own suitcases. She would insist on carrying heavy bags and, and nailing pictures on the wall herself and doing everything herself because she was afraid if she let down her guard too much and showed any kind of vulnerability that he would see her as weak and he would swoop in and he would hurt her.

(8m 46s):
Ever caught yourself doing that or thinking that, or no women who act like that? Women who are afraid are always looking for the flaws. They're always for the negative things in a guy. Their expectation is that they're going to be let down. So they don't want to show any vulnerability. And the thing that they're missing is that a man loves to be the hero. He loves to step in and help. He loves to carry the heavy suitcase. It makes him feel as if he's doing something. He's not just walking along behind her. He loves to help her put pictures up on the wall or take out the garbage or things like that.

(9m 31s):
If she lets him know how much she appreciates that - about how even doing those little things helps her so much in her life. If you aren't like that, a guy is not going to feel needed and you will push him away because he's saying, Hmm, no vacancy here. She has it all covered. You know what I mean? Alright. So let's remind ourselves of what we really are going for here. What you always need to keep in mind when ever you are looking at trying to make something happen is what is it you're trying to make happen? What is it that you really want?

(10m 12s):
You want love. Over The Moon, Never Leave Me Love, not just a mediocre love, right? You want it all. You want to be seen. You want to be appreciated. You want to be, to be able to mesmerize him. You want the romance. You want to be pursued. I don't know of any women who really want love who don't want that. We all want to be pursued. So how do we go about doing that? How do we go about stopping to push men away if that is our habit?

(10m 53s):
Let's look at our three Courage Pillars. First of all, ok, keeping in mind what we want. We want Over The Moon, Never Leave Me Love. We always have to, first of all, go to WHY. Why do we want that? Because that is the most powerful tool in your entire life. Stuff is hard. It's not easy to get to where you want to go. And so you always have to have a very compelling future ahead of you. You always have to know how is this going to make my life better? And you have to hang on to that. So what you need to do is ask yourself, how will my life,look if I have this over the moon, never leave me love that I'm dreaming of in my life?

(11m 40s):
How will I feel? And then you need to describe that to yourself. I will feel incredible. I will have somebody to share my with, to go on vacations with I'll have somebody to laugh with. I'll have somebody to snuggle up to on a Friday night on the couch while we watch movies, I will have somebody to bounce the problems of life off of. You'll come up with a long list of the reasons why you want this love if you really look at what, how it is, you want to feel when you're in love.

(12m 22s):
On the other side, you want to ask yourself, how is it going to look If I don't have this love in my life? How will I feel? Then I'm going to be alone. I'm going to be lonely. I'm going to have to depend on my kids to step in for me at every step of the way. I'm going to grow old by myself. I'm always going to have to plan vacations with other people or go by myself. I'm going to have to be financially independent. I'm going to have to learn to handle things myself. And you know what happens to us many times when we, when we begin to sink into that whole sense of not being worthy and being alone.

(13m 12s):
Now that doesn't mean that you can't be alone or you shouldn't be alone. If that's what you really want. There are many happy women who are living very fulfilled, career-oriented awesome, family centered lives by themselves. But if that's not what you want, then you need to know that if you want love, then you have to have a very strong WHY. And if that is you, then you need to also go to Courage Pillar #2, which is "The Truth". Because when you really want something, you have to look at what is standing in my way? What are the barriers that are keeping me from having that?

(13m 53s):
If you are pushing men away, then that is a barrier. And so you need to ask yourself why am I pushing men away? Which of these things am I doing? Am I expecting things to move too fast and pushing men away that don't, that aren't ready to move that fast and not giving them a chance. Am I giving too much? Am I not trusting? Do I have a problem with trusting men? And so I only let them get so far and I don't let my guard down and I'm not vulnerable. Is that the truth about you? And you need to get to the bottom of that truth. And as you do that, then you need to ask yourself, is it pain?

(14m 38s):
Is it that I am tying pain to being in love rather than tying pleasure to being in love? We will always avoid the things that bring us even subconsciously. Think about that. We will always avoid the things that we tie to pain - even subconsciously. So you may not even be aware that when you think about being in love, you actually find that to be more painful than pleasurable. So there's your work. You need to turn that around so that being in love is the most compelling thing you can think of.

(15m 24s):
Where you put in front of you All the wonderful things that love is meant to give you. All the wonderful things that you have inside you to give to someone else, to help their life be better. To be their partner. To encourage them in their purpose, to be there for them in all of their ups and downs, to be their partner, their backup, the person who watches their back. All the things that bring you pleasure and purpose. You need to tie to love. That's where our work is here in this podcast. And I'm really hoping we're going to talk more about that as we go because I want you to get to the place where you are tying pleasure instead of pain to being in love.

(16m 14s):
How do we do this? We start to take Hope-filled Action. The action steps we take are huge, and you always have to follow a decision with an action. So what I want you to think about today is the word S.O.F.T. because, if you are going to attract a good man, if you were going to help him a masculine man, to feel like a masculine man in your presence, then you need to be S.O.F.T. the S stands for strong on the inside.So you're soft on the outside. Open is the O. Open to love.

(16m 54s):
Open to life. Open to adventure. Open to learning. The F is for feminine. It's learning about how to be the feminine woman that will attract the masculine man because it's all about that word. Polarity. The opposite is exciting. When you are feminine and you're in the presence of a masculine, it's exciting. It's thrilling. There's sizzle. There's chemistry. Same with the masculine in the presence of a feminine. The T in S.O.F.T. is being true to yourself.

(17m 36s):
It's rising up and finding that Power Identity that you are. It's becoming your own superhero. It's knowing who you are and what you stand for. Your values, your standards, your needs. It's being all of that - no matter what you feel and no matter what's happening in your life. So we are going to talk about how more and more to be and develop the S.O.F.T. In you so that you are no longer pushing men away. Okay, enough for today, we have covered a lot of ground. What really matters to a man is how he feels when he is with you.

(18m 19s):
And when it comes to a date, he will follow your lead. If you're relaxed and confident, guess what he is going to slowly. Maybe sometimes, because he's more nervous than you are on a date. He hates rejection as much as you do. But he will follow your lead. And he will also become relaxed and he will be just happy to be himself If you let him be when he's with you. That is going to make you very interesting.

(19m 0s):
And he's going to want to come back and find out more about you. So come and follow me on Instagram. Also, I just want to say here, what you may want to do next is to really assess. If you are ready for love, you need to ask your heart: Are you ready to love? Again, I have five questions you can ask yourself and I'm going to put the link in the show notes. You go there, you ask yourself those five questions because that is going to show you where you're at and where you, what you need to work on in order to become a S.O.F.T.

(19m 42s):
Woman who is strong on the inside, but soft on the outside, ready to receive that masculine man If that's the kind of man you're looking for. So take the assessment, figure out which areas you're strong in which ones you're not and where you need to work. And, also on Instagram, I am always building on the content of these podcasts. So if you want a boost in between podcasts, go and look up my profile at Brave Enough For Love and give me a follow.

(20m 22s):
Check out the posts there because they will always be showing you, giving you better ideas, inspiring you and encouraging you to move toward being that woman who is Brave Enough For Love. Okay. Enough for now. Remember - you are already Brave. You just need to build from here. Alright. Talk to you in the next podcast.