S.O.F.T. and Strong: Brave Enough For Love

Episode 35: To Ask For What You Need Is To R.E.L.A.X. Into Love

May 10, 2021 Bernice McDonald Season 1 Episode 35
S.O.F.T. and Strong: Brave Enough For Love
Episode 35: To Ask For What You Need Is To R.E.L.A.X. Into Love
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

The last thing you want is to feel "invisible" again. As if you're not seen. You're not heard. And your opinion doesn't matter.

And, let's face it, when you've been divorced, it's most likely one of the reasons you ended up there.

But - you have worked through the hurt of it. You are rebuilding a life you're proud of.  You don't want to give up on love entirely...So how do you remain open with someone and still have your needs met?  

A beautiful, romantic, epic love can be yours. You can have it all because of this one thing.

How? Learn to "Ask".

Move into your Power Story. Smile at the world of men out of a heart of strength. 

Lift your head. Breathe. Lean back.

R.E.L.A.X. into love again.

Power PIllar #1: Your Why: You want to experience a great love. You want to confidently know that your needs are going to be met.

Power Pillar #2: The Truth Is... a great love is possible only when you: 1. Respect yourself. 2. Believe you are heard, seen and respected. That's what "Asking" will give you.

Power Pillar #3: Hope-Filled Action
1. Make a decision. What do you want? Start with asking your Creator who watches over you to send you a Knight. Use the words,

"I feel ____________".

"I want ___________".

2. Start using those words with everyone around you. Be OK to feel and want or don't want...


In this episode: Part 4 of the Masterclass "R.E.L.A.X. into Love" series, you are going to learn something that EMPOWERS you more than anything else - "Ask" for what you need.

The R.E.L.A.X. into Love Masterclass:

Episode 32: R  Relax
Episode 33: E  Elevate his Heart
Episode 34: L  Learn everything there is to know about you and about him
Episode 35: A Ask for your Needs to be met
Episode 36: X Excellence - Live in it always!

All the Steps on the Open To Love Again Pathway...

Step 1: Recognize your Old Story and your Power Story
Step 2: Find your S.O.F.T.
Step 3: Put your S.O.F.T. into action and R.E.L.A.X.
Step 4: Grow your Sparkle Power.

1 (0s):
Your purpose for this - for learning to ask - is you are going to respect yourself so much because I betcha you came out of a relationship and maybe several relationships in your life with men or with other people where you did not have the freedom to ask. And so you were quiet and you just tried to adapt and not make them angry. You were walking on eggshells, or you just didn't make waves. Asking empowers you. It makes you feel as if you are a person, a human being with a right to be here and a right to live here. The others, the other big, why for learning to ask is that you won't know how he really wants to care for you unless you see his response when you tell him how you feel and what you want.

1 (56s):
So you're a woman beyond 50. What is standing between you and the dreams that you have in your heart? I'll tell you, it's the Story that you're telling yourself. This podcast is about keeping our heart awake and open to love because those Stories are what closes your heart and keeps it locked up tightly. It takes courage every day to face those Stories about 15 minutes a day only In fact, I'm Bernice McDonald, Courageous Happiness Coach. And that's the journey that I'm on in this life.

1 (1m 39s):
I want you to find your heart again, to find the real you, the amazing courageous, loving, crazy, sexy woman that you were meant to be. Yup. Even after 50. Are you ready? Okay. Come on in. Let's take those 15 minutes right now.

0 (1m 58s):
Beautiful ladies. Welcome back. We are in the fourth episode in the Masterclass, R.E.L.A.X. - how to find love again, how to R.E.L.A.X. back into love. Because, I know, it's stressful. We all get stressed about it. And there are times when you are in that beyond 50 category where you think, "Oh, it's so much trouble. I'm so weirded out by all this dating stuff. I just want to fast forward and get past it." Totally get that. But whoa. Just stop for a second.

0 (2m 38s):
I want you to breathe. I want you to lean back. Let your hands, your fists unclench, let go. R.elax your hands in your lap. And think if you were at the end of this process and you had that great love that you're looking for - that Epic love that you know in your heart is out there. If you had that - how would you feel? If you had somebody who saw you and cherished you and loved you for just the person that you are, who was interested in building a life with you and building a love with you, who you laughed with, who you traveled with, who going to the grocery store was sometimes an adventure.

0 (3m 32s):
If you had someone like that in your life, how would your heart feel? How would you feel? That's what we're talking about today is actually how something makes you feel. What do you want? We've talked about the 'R' in R.E.L.A.X., which is to open up and receive everything he does for you, gives you with gratitude, no matter how small. 'E' is for Elevate him, focus on this man's heart. Who is this guy? 'L' is for Learn, learn, learn about everything.

0 (4m 14s):
About you. When you're with him, notice your reactions. About him. What does he like? What kind of values does he hold? Just focus on the learning. The 'A' today is for Ask. To ask for what you need. Why is this important? Okay. We're already starting here with Power Pillar #1. The why. Your purpose for this, for learning to ask is you are going to respect yourself so much because, I betcha, you came out of a relationship and maybe several relationships in your life with men or with other people where you did not have the freedom to ask.

0 (4m 58s):
And so you were quiet and you just tried to adapt and not make them angry. You were walking on eggshells or you just didn't make waves. Asking empowers you. It makes you feel as if you are a person, a human being with a right to be here and a right to live here. The other big why for learning to Ask is that you won't know how he really wants to care for you unless you see his response when you tell him how you feel and what you want. Do you know that a man loves to make you happy? That he watches.

0 (5m 37s):
When he is attracted to you... When he is cherishes the person that you are, when he feels good around you, what he wants to do is to make you feel comfortable. Make you feel at home. He notices when you have needs, he will notice, and he will help you. For example, if you're cold and he sees you're shivering or you're rubbing your arms, he will go and get you a sweater. It's that kind of thing. It's part of the hero image in a man. He wants to feel as if he is making a difference in your life.

0 (6m 19s):
And as if he can care for you. He is the one place in your life where you need to lean back, R.E.L.A.X. and let yourself be taken care of. The opposite to a man - Now, this is all in that whole idea of you can see how he wants to take care of you. When a man cannot take care of you, it becomes really obvious. It's as if what I call, I label him a Tree Stump Man because its as if you're asking for what you need or you're talking to a tree, an inanimate object. And this came out of my work with a client who I saw for several years on and off.

0 (7m 5s):
She was a beautiful woman, but she had a hard time with allowing men to abuse her in lots of ways. Neglect. They talked awfully to her. They treated her bad sexually. All of that she just took and she forgave and she forgave and she allowed it. So when she was on, like, I don't know, probably dating her third or fourth guy as we were coaching together, I finally thought of an analogy. I said, you know, it's as if you are asking this chair here, this window.

0 (7m 50s):
It's as if you are asking a tree to love you. It's as if you're walking up to it and say, "Hey, you know what I need - I just need you to put your arms around me and hold me right now". Or, "I feel really scared. Can you just help me to understand where we're going to do or help me to know what's happening so that I can find my footing again?" When you are - when you go to a tree and you were to say that even if it was a perfectly good tree, could that tree respond to you? Would it be able to say anything or meet those needs?

0 (8m 35s):
No, because it's a tree. He's a Tree Stump Man. There are men out there who are just not in a place emotionally where they are able to hear what you're asking, let alone help you with it. You might say to them, 'I feel really cold". And they will say, "Well, go in the house and get your sweater". Or you say, "I want Chinese food tonight". And he might say, "Oh, it's way too far to drive. I hate Chinese food." I'd rather have pizza - let's order pizza." Or you might say, "I don't want to go that far in debt". And he might say, "Oh, you're so chicken.

0 (9m 15s):
You've got no courage. Get, get some, get a grip lady. We'll be fine". That's a Tree Stump Man talking to you because he has his own agenda. There's something in him, even if he's a good man, that cannot hear you, cannot respond to you. That, my dear lady, is the kind of person that you, that is going to make you shrink and cause you to feel invisible. Many of us came out of relationships like that. That's why we ended up in divorce. We weren't seen, we weren't heard. And so you need, you must learn to ask for what you need, Power Pillar #1 - the reason for that is because you want a great love and that needs to be your focus.

0 (10m 11s):
In order to have a great love.Within a great, Epic love you feel self-respect. You have the freedom to be yourself, to ask for what you need. That is something that is extended to you. You have the respect of the man that you're with and he wants you to tell him what you need and what you want and how you feel because of those are clues to him as to how he can step in and help you. And so it's for self-respect reasons. And it's also to see where he is at and how great his ability is to actually be able to contribute to you in a relationship.

0 (10m 58s):
So I don't want you to think that this is a way you manipulate. This is a way of you just expressing who you are. And that's what asking is about. Power Pillar #2: The Truth Is... this. You, in order to have that great Epic love, you must need to feel respected and you must be able to sense who he is. And a man who is a Tree Stump Man, is not going to be able to build a love alongside of you.

0 (11m 42s):
The love that you have this vision for - this love that's in your heart. And the truth is also this. When you begin to learn to ask for what you need, not only when it comes to romantic love, but in every way in your life, you begin to build a strength from the inside that enables you to know that you are somebody. And you matter. You have value. You can step up and you can say... I want this. I feel this.

0 (12m 22s):
And people around you can take it or leave it. This is not a way, as I said before, to manipulate. This is a way to express what's going on inside you, to stand up for you as a human being, as that heart, walking on your path. Remember, when your heart is asleep, when you have pricked your finger on life with a Tree Stump Man, you go to pain, right? And often the response to pain is that we shut down our hearts. We build a wall around us, a wall of anger, a wall of distrust, a wall that is a lack of confidence.

0 (13m 7s):
We put our hearts to sleep and we don't - we do ourselves a disservice. We don't feel respected. We don't even respect ourselves, let alone earn the respect of those around us. And so, The Truth Is... When you learn to ask for what you need, you're standing up for yourself. When you start to knock down the wall around your heart, you start to be happy with who you are. You start to be proud of who you are and you start to find your life taking on a whole different meaning. Now your Hope-filled Action for this - This is how I want you to start to build up to "asking".

0 (13m 53s):
It can be really daunting. And sometimes our asking has been demanding when we're afraid that nobody's hearing us, or we raise our voice and insist, out of anger, that somebody hear us. We rant and we tear our hair out and we say mean things to other people because we're not being heard. We don't need to do that. In fact, when you do this, when you take these steps, you are going to find that you can be so calm, that you can do it from a place of strength inside, from a place of self-respect. So, first of all, what I want you to do, and I want you to think about, because this is something that helped me.

0 (14m 38s):
I want you to ask God for what you want. To look up and believe, whatever you believe about God, the powers that be that can bring good things into your life If you're open to it, I want you to ask him to send you a Knight. I want you to be able to say these, use these two phrases "I want. And "I feel". The obvious one that goes with "I want" is "I don't want..." That, also, is a way of standing up for yourself, but I want you first of all, to ask those powers that be. To say, "I want love.

0 (15m 21s):
I want fun. I want a partner. I want to feel cherished. I want to love someone. I've got all this love inside my heart. I want to give that to someone. Can you send me a Knight?" Ask. Tell God. The powers that are there, listening to you, the Creator that made you. Tell him how you feel. "I feel as if I have so much to give and I have nowhere to give it. I feel lonely. I feel scared of the future.

0 (16m 3s):
If I had someone to talk to about this, it would help so much. I feel these "Not Enough Stories" that are defining me. I don't want that anymore. I want to feel strong and confident. Can you help me to do that?" Ask for it. And secondly, start to ask the people around you for what you want. And you do this by noticing what you feel and then going to what you want.

0 (16m 43s):
"I am really hungry. I want a hot dog" or" I am so tired. I I'm going to go take a nap" or "I feel overwhelmed. I want some advice. Do you think you can help me?" It's those kinds of things that say, "I feel this", and "I want this..." Or to say, "I don't want this because it makes me feel like this". Start using those words in your conversations. Even when you're at the grocery till. Now this is when I learned this. This is where it got kind of real and it was sorta difficult, but it really set me free.

0 (17m 29s):
At the grocery store, you know, when somebody is putting your stuff through and they smile at you and you say, you know, "I love your smile. Thank you so much. You make me feel welcome here. I really like this store". Things like that. Maybe not in exactly that way. You'll figure it out. What are you feeling? What do you want to say to somebody to thank them for allowing you to have that feeling or so that they'll hear you? Practice everywhere. At work. Practice with your kids, practice with your family, practice with your friends.

0 (18m 12s):
I feel such and such. I want such and such. I don't want such and such. Because if you begin to make that a part of your strengthening inside, you are going to begin to use that with a man on a date. And that's the other thing. When it comes up, when the question comes up and it will, it's like, "well, where would you like to go? So many women say, Oh, it doesn't matter to me. You choose. He doesn't want to choose because he might choose wrong. He wants to make you happy. Even if it's the first time you're on a date, he wants to make you happy. And so you need to say, I feel like seeing a movie or I would love to check out this new museum or art gallery or whatever it is, tell him, and he will do it for you.

0 (19m 8s):
And it will. One make you feel more respected and you will respect yourself for speaking up. And two, it will give him, it will show you how he is at responding to your needs and taking care of you. The biggest thing here is I want you to step into your power Story. I want you to leave those fears, Stories behind, and I want you to flip it to a power Story. I want you to S to believe, to, to change your Story, to say I am someone who wants to know a great love and Epic love.

0 (19m 55s):
I want to know how that feels before I die. Make that

1 (19m 60s):
Decision step into that decision, and then start to learn how to R.E.L.A.X. into love again. You are awesome! And I thank you so much for listening for being here right to the end. Come on over to Instagram. I am always supporting our podcasts every week with other things, other ideas, other thoughts, pulling out the main points. They will reinforce what you're learning here. Follow me on Instagram, share this podcast with your friends. Let's build that community of women who are brave enough for loss.

1 (20m 44s):
All right. You take care and I will talk to you in the next podcast.

Past Experience Can Keep You From Asking
The "Tree Stump Man" can't hear you
Power Pillar #1: Your "Why" - You do this because you want to know what a Great Love is like.
Power Pillar #2: The Truth Is... "A great love needs self-respct and a sense that you are "seen"'
Power Pillar #3: Hope-Filled Action: Learn How To Ask