S.O.F.T. and Strong: Brave Enough For Love

Episode 31: What If You Could See Yourself Through His Eyes?

April 12, 2021 Bernice McDonald Season 1 Episode 31
S.O.F.T. and Strong: Brave Enough For Love
Episode 31: What If You Could See Yourself Through His Eyes?
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

One thing I hear from many women over 50 is that there is a serious lack of "good men" left out there. The one thing I say back is...don't give up because there is still one who is looking for someone just like YOU!

Dating can be seen as a challenge - or dating can be seen as fun. It just depends how you look at it.

An article I recently found said that today is the day of CHOICE. You can write your list and you can expect to find someone to fit it. You don't have to settle. That's a good thing...

The problem can come when we focus on our list every time we sit down with a guy and decide how many things he checks off. You will more-so find his flaws than see his heart - or the good things about him he may be hiding.

So, in this episode, we're talking about the 2 lists you DO need to write down about who you're looking for.

But THEN - there's something else to consider. If you were go out on a date with YOU, how would you come across? What would he be picking up from you?

We forget to see things through his eyes. And we forget to relax and be ourselves which could also give him a false sense of what we're all about.

The 3 Power Pillars for this week are:

Power Pillar #1: Your "Why": To know who you want and who you don't want - and then find the person that fits the best with you.

Power Pillar #2: The Truth Is... Be honest in your evaluation of yourself. Are you happy with who you are?  Or do you try to be someone you're not because you're trying to impress him?  Or maybe come across as someone who is fearful and wary and all closed up?

Power Pillar #3: Hope-Filled Action. What are doing about this?

  1. Write your 2 lists.
  2. Do the 3rd exercise I walk you through and think about living the Perfect Day with the Love of Your Live. Who are you in that Story? Consider what you would need to do in order to move more joyfully toward becoming that person.

**As they say: "If you aim at nothing, you're sure to hit it." So don't aim at nothing - know what your dream looks like!

I'd love to hear how you did with these exercises. Send me a Private Message.  Follow me @opentoloveagain on Instagram and send me a PM

0 (0s):
We first of all had developed the list of the person she was looking for, looked at the things she didn't want and looked at who she needed to be in order to be able to be in a love like that. So we talked that through and as she got to know, Carie, they ran into some bumps, some scary walls, but they worked it through. She was able, because she had this picture of who she wanted and she saw potential in him, but honest potential. And she also faced the things in herself that when the fears came up, she recognized them.

0 (41s):
She talked them through with herself, with me, with him, and she was able to move beyond those fears.

1 (54s):
So you're a woman beyond 50. What is standing between you and the dreams that you have in your heart? I'll tell you, it's the Story that you're telling yourself. This podcast is about keeping our hearts awake and open to love because those Stories are what closes your heart and keeps it locked up tightly. It takes courage every day to face those Stories. About 15 minutes a day, only, in fact. I'm Bernice McDonald, Courageous Happiness Coach and that's the journey that I'm on in this life.

1 (1m 35s):
I want you to find your heart again, to find the real you, the amazing courageous, loving, crazy, sexy woman that you were meant to be. Yup. Even after 50. Are you ready? Okay. Come on in. Let's take those 15 minutes right now.

0 (1m 56s):
Hello, my beautiful ladies. Okay. Let me start off today by just saying this. What I am going to talk about today Is something I do not want you to go back and beat yourself up over, okay? This is about being honest, about telling ourselves the truth about where we're at on our Path. You - a heart walking on your Path, just you. A beautiful person inside. Somebody who has all of these special traits that you have.

0 (2m 36s):
And this is what I want you to go back to today. The episode today is about becoming the person that you would fall in love with. Now, let me clarify that, okay? We all have our list. We all have our list. In fact, I was just reading an article a couple of days ago saying that exact thing. Love in 2021 when I am recording this, is all about the list. We all believe we deserve the best. And we have that list of qualities in our heads.

0 (3m 19s):
Now, sometimes you don't write it down and actually clarify it which is something that I encourage every one of my clients to do because you need clarity and you need to get focused on what you're looking for. What kind of things do you have on the list? Well, let's talk about the list in two aspects: the things we want and the things we don't want. Because that usually will help us just to narrow it down and make it simple. So, the example of some things that may be, first of all, you don't want - you may not want him to be somebody who's all into himself, right?

0 (4m 4s):
Often we look back at the relationships we've had and we pick out the things that really hurt us, that really bothered us. And we've learned from that, right? We know that that's not what we want. So we don't want somebody who is all about himself. Maybe you don't want somebody who uses really harsh language or who smokes, or, you know, it's a list of your deal breakers. "I will not put up with this. I do not want this." And I encourage you to really think that through.

0 (4m 44s):
On the other hand, is the list of the things you do want. Alright, now this list can be very extensive or very short, depending on you and your personality. You may think that you want somebody who's tall, dark and handsome. Although, if you're inching beyond that 50 mark, 60 mark, 70 mark, you realize that looks don't really play into it. And to be honest, can I just say this? Some of the homeliest men I have ever met are the sweetest. Give them a chance and you will be amazed at the kind of love that they could offer you.

0 (5m 28s):
Just a side note there. But you may have qualities on your list, like kind or good with money, or, you know, likes to work. Isn't lazy. Willing to learn, listens to me. Wants to learn about me. See me. Hear me. Know about me. Those are the things that you would have on your "These are what I want" list. Now, if you're like Tony Robbins, he calls it the list from heaven and the list from hell which pretty much sums it up. Right? Okay. So bottom line, your heart knows what it wants.

0 (6m 13s):
It's really true. The heart wants what the heart wants. You need to go there and you need to let your heart speak. When you sit down and create a list like this, you need to be in a quiet place and you need to really be in touch with the honest truth about what it is you want and what you're scared of having again. So, basically if we're really honest, once more here -and this is all about honesty today - you're looking for a 10, right? All right. Maybe you would tone that down a bit and you probably will end up accepting an 8 because it gives you room, gives him room, to grow and gives you room to be a bit more open and accepting to imperfection.

0 (7m 8s):
Right? But let me ask you this. Okay. So the first part is to know what you want, know what you don't want. Now, the second part is this question. And this is where I don't want you to go to a negative place. Instead, I want you to go to a very honest place, and this applies whether or not you're in a 10 year relationship, a 20 year relationship, whether you're in no relationship at all. Whether you want a relationship, this is just about being "a person". Okay? But we're thinking of it in light of relationship today.

0 (7m 49s):
So the question is: if you want a man with all those wonderful qualities at an eight to a 10, who will you need to be in order to accept and joyfully be part of a love with someone like that? So, really what I'm saying is, are you operating in your life at an eight to 10? Can you participate in a relationship at an eight to 10? Or are you somewhere around a five?

0 (8m 30s):
I recently heard somebody talking about business that way. It's like, would you do business with a 5 or do you want a 10? Same with love. Would you go out with a guy who is a 5 or do you want somebody who is an 8 to 10? That being, so where are you? Are you a 5? What's your energy level in life? How excited are you about your life? How do you feel about yourself and about being who you are?

0 (9m 11s):
Let me tell you about Kim. One of my favorite clients because she actually was my first client that I observed walk through the healing in her divorce and find her way back to a love that, to this day, she's still thriving within. She found a guy who was just so perfect for her. Kim came to me because she saw a flyer that I had out at that time talking about recovering from divorce, about finding your way back, about getting stronger. And, actually, her mom saw it, recommended it to her.

0 (9m 51s):
And she came to me and she cried the whole first appointment. She just cried because she was so relieved to find somewhere to be able to talk about this. But what Kim did was she recognized the fact and was not afraid to admit that she was broken. That the relationship she had been in was broken. She admitted to her flaws, to her part in it. And, also, she was able to take a step back and just observe everything that had been happening. And Kim was open. She was willing to learn about herself, about what makes love really work.

0 (10m 38s):
She was willing to develop those skills to realize that, perhaps some of the things that she had been doing in her relationship just weren't working and were part of the issues of the problems there. But the thing is, she also was open to dating and that's how she met her now husband, Carie. He was about, I think, the second or third person she went out with and we talked about it as she began to date him. We, first of all, had developed the list of the person she was looking for, looked at the things she didn't want and then looked at who she needed to be in order to be able to be in a love like that.

0 (11m 32s):
So, we talked that through and as she got to know, Carie, they ran into some bumps, some scary walls, but they worked it through. She was able, because she had this picture of who she wanted and she saw potential in him, but honest potential. And she also faced the things in herself that when the fears came up, she recognized them. She talked them through with herself, with me, with him, and she was able to move beyond those fears to make the resolution of what was going on more important.

0 (12m 13s):
She became more open, more alive, more willing to negotiate, to talk about where they both were at. And they - actually, she sent me an email, a text, on her honeymoon thanking me for helping her to get to that place where she could be in a love that she never believed could be out there for her. Now, Kim, I have to admit was in her late thirties. She wasn't beyond 50, but the same thing happened in my life.

0 (12m 55s):
And I was over 50. This was exactly the same journey that I took. So Kim raised who she was from a 5 up to an 8 to 10 level. She was working on herself. And I know that she still is that kind of person today. She is working on herself, on becoming a better and better version of who she is. She knows her heart. She lives and she loves from her heart. And, really, that's where your focus needs to be.

0 (13m 35s):
If you want to love like this - and you deserve it - and if you want it, that's your heart speaking. Then you need to go for it. That becomes your Power Pillar #1. You need to decide the kind of person that you are going to have to be in order to live in a love like that. In order to ask for a love like that. That's Power Pillar #1. Power Pillar #2, The Truth Is... we've been talking about that. You need to be honest. You need to say, "This is my list".

0 (14m 17s):
You need to ask yourself, "Am I ready to be in a love like this?" Am I the kind of woman who isn't a complainer, who isn't always dwelling on the negative, who doesn't let fear control everything I do. Am I adventurous? Am I open? Am I looking at his heart rather than picking out all of his flaws? Because I'm so afraid of how he might hurt me. You not only to make a list of the man you want, but you need to be really honest about the woman you want to be so that you can give every ounce of that beautiful love in your heart to that man.

0 (15m 5s):
And he deserves the best, just like you do. So that's Power Pillar #2, The Truth Is... You go into your S.O.F.T. Remember the 'S' is Strong on the inside. Strong on the inside so you can be soft on the outside. The 'O' is to be Open to life and to love. The 'F' is to learn to be a fabulously Feminine person, to do that in your own way with your own style. But to recognize when you need to be more feminine than to go into the protective masculine stance.

0 (15m 46s):
And the 'T' is to be True to yourself. And in order to do that, you have to know yourself. I'm going to be going into the next few podcasts talking about another acronym because the S.O.F.T. acronym is about becoming. It's about being who you want to be. But I want you also then to take action. We need to know how to apply the S.O.F.T. Into the world of dating again, into the world of love again, into the world PERIOD.

0 (16m 27s):
So your sparkle is released so that you become comfortable with being the person that you want to be. You R.E.L.A.X. And that's the acronym you learn to just breathe and R.E.L.A.X. In the next podcast I'm going to tell you what that those letters mean, how you can very easily begin to bring who you are to the table. To bring who you are in your growing, most confident self on a date, into love, into working through all the things about love.

0 (17m 9s):
You can learn to just R.E.L.A.X. And let it happen. So that is what's coming and it's very exciting. Your Hope-Filled Action for today: One, remember your Power Pillar #1 is to think about, to answer the question, "Am I the woman that can live in a love like I'm looking for?" The second is 'The Truth Is'... What do I need to be working on in order to get to be that woman? Be honest with yourself and be honest about the steps you need to take.

0 (17m 49s):
And then, Hope-Filled Action: your Power Pillar #3 is to do it. What do you need to do to make it happen? This is an exciting thing because this is where you begin to feel as if you're making progress. Remember happiness is progress. Just one baby step at a time. Start living your life. Go after the love that is in your heart and the love that you are able to give. Now, here's one thing that I want you to do. I want you to sit down and, after you write your list about what you want and what you don't want, I want you to create the perfect day with the love of your life.

0 (18m 40s):
I have done this with myself and I've done this with so many of my clients. I love reading these because it seems to cement the vision. It gives you a picture of what you're really looking for and what you could potentially have if you don't give up. So write down - from morning to night, what the perfect day with the love of your life would look like. What would happen? First thing in the morning, where would you have breakfast? Where would you go in the day? Just you and him spending the day together, enjoying each other, laughing, talking, exploring.

0 (19m 25s):
What would you be doing? Where would you go for lunch? What would you do in the afternoon? What, where would you go for supper? What, how would he act? How would he treat other people? How would he treat you? How would you treat him? How would you feel with him? Just let it flow. How would the day end when you snuggle into bed beside him, what would you be thinking? How would you be feeling? So I encourage you to sit down and write that out, because that is going to give you a picture of the life that you're really walking towards.

0 (20m 7s):
Okay. My beautiful ladies, go out there and Sparkle. Go out there and be your lovely selves and just let that sparkle release on the world. Okay. It's time to fight for your heart. It's time to stand up for your heart. Contact me anytime on my Instagram messaging with questions or comments or whatever you have. Be sure to follow me on Instagram and Facebook, wherever you hang out the most and tell your friends about the podcast. All right, I will talk to you in the next one.

We all have our "List" of what we want
Write your list, forget your list and focus here instead
Kim's Story
Power Pillar #1: Your "Why" - To find Your "Perfect For You" Person
Power Pillar #2: The Truth Is...Am I ready for a love like this?
Power Pillar #3: Hope-Filled Action...Your Action Steps for this week. 1. Write your 2 lists. 2. Describe your "Perfect Day" with the Love of your Life.