So Am I Enough? 3 Ways To Truly Believe You Are

Have you ever downplayed your own work because it wasn't as good as someone else's?

Or changed your mind about submitting something, cooking something, doing something because you believed what you could give wasn't very good?

These are symptoms of the "I am not enough" way of life. And it's this thinking that will cause you to become smaller and smaller as you get older.

Midlife is the time to take a good hard look at this because you don't want to spend the rest of your life withdrawing, feeling 'less than'.

Needing to know that you're competent is a key component to having good self-esteem. In this podcast we talk about 3 ways you can build your belief in yourself.

Wisdom from the podcast:

"So step back. Be the friend, the mom, the boss you wish you could have had. Say the same things to yourself that you wished you would have heard from them."

Bernice McDonald

Download here:  FREE e-Book:  How To Find Your Passionately Personal Midlife Mission

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Transcript

(00:00):

So do you have it all figured out this life thing? I definitely do not. Welcome back to the podcast, my beautiful warriors Recently, I'm embarrassed to say I blew up at my husband. Thankfully, it's something that rarely happens, but I know that it was all coming from this place of fear right here at the center of my beautiful heart. My head was telling me that I am not enough. I was overwhelmed with all the shoulds in my life and even at my age, there's a part of me that tells me I don't know what I'm doing and I ought to.

(00:48):

So my feeling of inadequacy was leaking out of my pores, coming out in scary, high pitched tones along with electric current shooting like lightning from my pointy finger all aimed at my unsuspecting husband who I'd forgotten to do something. Why is it that I think shining this ugly spotlight on the one poor quality in my partner somehow makes up for the 50 of my own.

(01:25):

Anyway, we're human. I have spent the last few days working at forgiving myself. The conclusion I came to was that I was trying to pull way too many strings together. It was an impossible task and I was blaming him for it not working out, but it was my own fault. I hadn't planned my time well enough or stuck to the plan that I had.

(01:53):

Well, this brings me to the whole idea of being competent, capable enough to do good things in the world when we get overwhelmed because we're taking on too much, setting an impossible bar for ourselves. We are too many times trying to prove something. And that's the topic for the podcast today. Remember Robert Reacher, we've talked about him in the last five episodes. He's the researcher who used five Com components of self-esteem as the focus for building self-esteem for kids in the classroom.

(02:36):

He knew that in order for children to feel as if they're worthy and accepted and belong there, their tanks in these five areas need to be full and overflowing. Now, he was one smart man, right? Thank you Robert Reacher, because this also applies to us as women in these middle years. When we lack confidence in any of these areas, our self-esteem suffers and when our self-esteem suffers, we're far less likely to believe in ourselves and our abilities and to blame our husband's for our own weaknesses as experience has taught me.

(03:26):

Let's review Robert Reacher's. 5 Self-esteem needs again, okay, one, I need to feel secure. I need to know I'm safe. Two, I need an identity. I need to know who I am. Three, I need to belong. I need to know others accept me. Four, I need purpose. I need to know what I want to achieve. And fifth, I need to feel competent. I need to know that I'm capable.

(04:02):

Now, this last one is I need to feel confident, competent. I need to know I'm capable. I'm afraid I'm not enough. Our fear is that I'm not enough. The biggest fear, by the way, shared by everyone on the planet. The other half of that is I am not enough. And if I'm not enough, what are we afraid of that I won't be loved? This was one of the first aha moments I think I had with Tony Robbins, the coach I followed for years. You probably have heard of him. We want to be enough because most of us have a script that has run underneath our lives since childhood, telling us that we are not enough and that's why we're not loved. The world around us never lets us forget it. We're constantly bombarded with messages about what we should be doing or achieving, especially at our ripe old middle age, right?

(05:13):

Ripe, old, middle. You know what I mean? Let's play a little game of pretend today. Shall we imagine that you are sitting there doing a brain dump in your journal, just writing down all the thoughts in your head, getting them where you can see them. This is a good game for us as women because it helps us to see what the thoughts are. If we don't do that, you know what happens? They end up in a jumbled tornado going round and round in our heads, and then one spark poof causes them to explode in a loud voice toward our poor spouse who is totally caught off guard or anyone else in our way.

(05:57):

They're in the open then and we can make sense of them, but there are better ways to deal with them like frequently dumping them out on paper. So let's pretend you've done that and they're on the paper in between all the other thoughts are the words, I am not enough. Right there, it hits you between the eyes. Look at it, look at that sentence. It's just a sentence.

(06:35):

Words put together as a result of a bunch of circumstances, many long past, some recent, it's a conclusion you've drawn about yourself. What if you were to look at that sentence and ask yourself, is this really true, really true? And you know, if you put it that way, you know that it's not actually, you can juggle a lot of balls in the air at one time. You can solve problems, calm people down, come up with last minute emergency plans to pull the unexpected together.

(07:22):

You've proven it over and over again. I know you have when you believe you are enough. The opposite of I am not enough. When you believe you are enough, you are enough to be respected. You are enough to be recognized. You are enough to be appreciated. You are enough to be applauded. You are efficient, organized when you need to be intelligent, able to rise to the moment and make things happen. I know that you have done that.

(08:05):

I have done that, and I know you can and will again and so will I. Now what if you take a new page of fresh paper and you write a new sentence, a new set of words strung together all by themselves on that fresh paper that are just as we were talking about, what if you were to write this? I am enough. Wow. Do you feel that?

(08:36):

The feelings that happen when you say that, I know that immediately your brain will come up with all kinds of evidence to tell you that it's not true, never has been true and never will be true. But for just a moment, let's hold it all off. Let's hold that thought off. What our brain is telling us. Let's just sit here as if we really believed in ourselves and how unique our gifts, our skills, and our strengths are, as if we believed that what we bring to the table is strength and confidence and being okay with everything we are and everything we're not. Who would you be if you really believed you were enough?

(09:32):

Would you run after what makes you feel passionate? Would you take more risks? Would you be more willing to put yourself out there and try new things? Do you think maybe that you would smile more, hug more, create more? I think you wouldn't let those words, I'm not enough. Hang out with you for more than a second. You'd switch that thought out for something else immediately, right? Something else like, I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet, but I'll figure it out. Or I wish the situation was different, but it isn't. I will have to come up with a new plan and then you would, or they might believe that about me, but I know the truth. I'm so much more and that's who I'm going to be, whether they see it or not. Wow. To replace that thought, I'm not enough. With those kinds of thoughts just changes everything, doesn't it?

(10:45):

With those kinds of thoughts, you'd spark these incredible feelings of confidence and creativity and focus and you'd make stuff happen. Imagine, okay, let's come back to right now today, back to today, but with a new perspective that understands when certain things happen. You go to this thought, I am not enough. It creates a ripple. Like when a stone is thrown into the water, we've talked about this before. Circles dance out wider and wider around it. The thought leads to a feeling which leads to actions you take or don't take in your life, which then leads to a result.

(11:38):

So what I want you to do is to stay on the alert and practice catching that thought. The thought that comes up when you compare yourself to others. I'm not enough. The thought that comes up when your aunt says you were never very good at singing or drawing or keeping house or getting anywhere on time. I'm not enough. The thought that comes up when your boss chooses someone else to head up the project that you really wanted, I'm not enough. You look to others to validate you, appreciate you recognize you, but now listen, my beautiful warriors to this, it may never happen. You might never get that. So what are you going to do?

(12:37):

This is why you need to do it for yourself like this. I want you to write those words. I am enough on a fresh blank piece of paper just like we imagined. Remember, it's just a sentence, but now it's a sentence that creates a whole different meaning for you. Here's what I want you to write. Underneath it. One, I want you to focus on your strengths. What do you do well? How have you been strong today or in the past? Write those things down. Under that heading, I am enough. You can list things like this. I have a good hat on my shoulders. I have good ideas. What else? I'm a good organizer. What else? I'm great at helping people relax and feel comfortable. Yeah, some of us are, and you most likely are. Write that down. I pick out great shoes. Yes, I always make sure my kids had good lunches. I always did that.

(14:06):

Let the list come. Don't be shy or feel as if you're being vain. Step back like you are an observer. Do it without emotion or judgment. These are the facts as you write about how strong you are, what feelings are coming up for you. Confidence, respect. Maybe you have a a sense of feeling more worthy or alive. Now, consider if you lived from this place of cons, confidence or certainty or feeling alive. How could you see yourself living your life? What would you do more?

(14:58):

I read a story about a woman Mary, who had always been passionate about cooking. That's one place where she felt like she was enough. Not perfect, but strong. She believed that about herself. Part of what had always stopped her before from taking this into a bigger arena, which she would've liked to have done, was that she thought that she should just keep that cooking to herself because after all, she was no chef.

(15:31):

She didn't have any formal training, but the love for what she did was there. So she made a decision. She set her inadequate feelings aside and she started a food blog where she simply shared her love of cooking with others. What happened as her blog grew in popularity, she started to receive offers for freelance work and eventually she ended up opening her own catering business. She was astounded and excited because she was able to take a strength she loved and use it for what comes naturally to her to bring joy to others. She was enough in every way in this whole area. She wasn't a chef, but she was a good cook and she loved to cook, and she developed that as a strength and took it out to the world despite her credentials. What if she had just kept, kept it so small? All those people wouldn't have gotten all that good food.

(16:49):

So that's the first one is focus always on your strengths, not your weaknesses, and especially not the weaknesses that others tell you you have. Secondly, this goes along with this practice self-compassion. It's hard to say you love yourself. I know I get that. It's always been hard for me too, but if as the observer you step back and act almost as if you're someone else, you can generate the same kind of feelings in yourself as you give your children when they need some grace and you give it to them, you can gently give yourself room to be imperfect because you're human.

(17:41):

You can give yourself credit for being good at so many things, including things like being sensitive, kind or empathetic, unselfish. It's easy to be hard on ourselves when we have these high expectations in mind and we think we're not living up to them or to the expectations that others have for us. So step back, be the friend, the mom, the boss that you wish you could have had or had. Now say the same things to yourself that you wished you would've heard from them right now under that heading, I Am Enough. I want you to write three things that you wish you would've heard from someone else.

(18:41):

Maybe something like, I'm so proud of you, or You are amazing. I really have so much respect for all you've done. Or maybe thank you for being there. It wasn't easy, but you never gave up and you came through when they needed you the most. Those kinds of things will bless you. They'll go right into your heart as if somebody else is saying it to you. So what did you write really touches you, doesn't it? To hear the word you so need to hear. Sarah, another story here, divorced, struggling with feelings of worthlessness after her marriage ended, discovered the power of this very thing. Instead of beating herself up for the things that went wrong in her marriage.

(19:46):

With the help of coaching, she started a daily self-compassion practice where she reminded herself of her own worth and value. Her journal was a place where she recorded what made her strong and what gave her life meaning. Poems and ideas and dreams and powerful conversations all went in there into that journal to give Sarah a picture of the person she really was. Over time, Sarah's self-esteem and confidence grew. She was able to start a new chapter in her life with a newfound sense of purpose and self-love.

(20:33):

I can relate totally to this story cuz this is exactly what I did and Sarah was such a good example of that. That leads really well into this third and last action that I want you to take. Celebrate your accomplishments. So we have focus on your strengths. The second one, practice self-compassion and now celebrate your accomplishments. It's so much easier to focus on what on who we aren't instead of who we are. Like focus, focusing on our weaknesses instead of our strengths. Celebrating our shining moments, no matter how small, definitely moves us to a place of power and love instead of wanting to hide who we are, whether it's getting a promotion at work, finishing a project, or simply taking a day to rest and recharge. These are all accomplishments. They help us admire our best qualities like perseverance, creativity, recognizing when we need to take care of ourselves.

(21:49):

Those are good things. So one more story here. Lisa was a midlife woman who struggled with feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. Been there, done that too. Through work with her coach, she learned to focus on her accomplishments no matter how small and to celebrate them. She like Sarah, started a gratitude journal where she wrote down three things she was proud of. Every day. Her thoughts were on what she did right and what was right in her life, not on what was wrong. Same result. She started feeling this peace inside like she had let a garbage bag full of her worst flaws go poof in the trash and out of her life. She actually discovered that she had more courage than she realized. Walking into a meeting or time with family or a group with with friends. She held her head high and forgot about what they thought of her.

(23:04):

She focused instead on what she could bring to them. Now, Lisa's pursuing her dream of starting her own business, something she never would've considered before. When we focus on our accomplishments rather than our failures, we shift our mindset from one of lack to one of abundance. Don't you even love that word more? Abundance is such a prettier word, <laugh> than lack. We start to see just how far we've come on this journey in life, which also reveals that we are pretty freaking amazing. This one mindset, mindset shift can have a profound impact on every area of our lives.

(24:03):

So let's go back to that fifth need. I need to feel competent. I need to know I am capable. Yes, you do need this, and not only know it, but believe it. You are enough. It's not about what you do, even though you have many things, you do so well and have done so well. But more than that, more than what you do. It's the you in the center of that statement. That is enough. Always has been, always will be. You are enough. Great thinking this through with you today, my beautiful warriors. This is exactly why I do what I do to help you know yourselves more and to take that amazing heart to places that you are always meant to go. All right, I will talk to you in the next podcast.