5 Burning Questions That Will Tell You How You See Yourself...Really

CARTOON: A midlife woman was telling her doctor - “I need a big belly. You can’t fit this much charm and personality into a small package.” 

There you go - the positive spin on it. However, it also kind of makes me want to crawl under my blankets and never come out because I don’t want a big belly and I don’t want to rationalize it away.

Do you think maybe God made midlife - all these big changes - so that you would realize that you need to pay attention to something?

Like a big red flag waving that says, “Hey - it’s time to take you to the next level.”

I know it feels more as if we’re being “demoted” as humans rather than promoted as we age and get to feel all those hot flashes, the saggy baggies and the up and down emotions…

As bleak as this may seem, it doesn’t have to be this way. You can take all of this life, simplify what it is and let it be the fire that refines you like the gold we talked about in the last podcast.

I want you to know above all things: Nothing has gone wrong here.

Just let that sit for a minute. Breathe.

It’s true. This is life. It’s normal. 

It’s the path with all its twists and turns, hills and valleys. 

The story. Your story. My story.

And you can get through this without drama, without panic and, in fact, as if you were BORN to handle this stuff.

Bernice McDonald, Midlife Coach, tells you how right here, inside this Podcast. Come for a listen!

Download here:  FREE e-Book:  How To Find Your Passionately Personal Midlife Mission

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Transcript

(00:01):

Welcome back, my beautiful warrior. It's a gorgeous day here in Alberta, Canada. Winter is changing into spring very slowly, at least we have blue sky and sunshine, something we're actually famous for no matter what the weather is, how much snow we get. But I am so looking forward to it. Everything turning green again.

(00:25):

Anyway, today I wanna ask you this. Do you think maybe God made midlife all these big changes so that you would realize that you need to pay attention to something? What do you think? It's like a big red flag waving that says, Hey, it's time to take you to the next level. I know it feels more as if we're being demoted almost right as humans rather than promoted as we age and we get to feel all those hot flashes, the saggy baggies and the up and up and down emotions face all the changes and the challenges.

(01:10):

I just saw a cartoon where a woman was feeling telling her Doctor, I need a big belly. You can't fit this much charm and personality into a small package. There you go. The positive spin on it. However, it also kind of makes me wanna crawl under my blankets and never come out because I don't want to have to battle a big belly, and I don't want to rationalize it away either. Well, maybe this is a good transition into what I wanna talk to you really about today. According to this man named Robert Reisner, who was an expert on building self-esteem in elementary school classrooms, there are five components that are needed in the classroom to help them accept and love themselves. A wonderful mission, don't you think? But are you ready for this?

(02:15):

I found it amazing because these don't just apply to elementary school children. They apply to us at every stage in life. They are core needs for us, so that in midlife, in whatever part of our path we're on, we can thrive, not just survive. Most of us don't take the time to give this a lot of thought. Now, remember the context here. I have to remind you, life is like a story. Your story, you are an

(02:58):

Individual, a heart filled with everything that makes you uniquely you walking a path, like a path of adventure. You entered the path when you were born and you will leave the path when you die. In between, all this stuff happens and you are making decisions about how you handle it, period. That's what life is. Decisions all along the way. It's truly not a complicated story because every decision you make to handle your life depends on two simple things. Number one, how you see yourself, aka the big belly woman. And number two, how you see others, aka out to get me or just people walking beside me on their own paths, gives you two totally different perspectives, doesn't it?

(04:08):

And as an example of how this plays out for us, if you see yourself as someone who can't say no, you'll most likely see others as more important than you see yourself. On the other hand, if you see yourself as someone who chooses, makes decisions to give, where she is able and does it out of love and willingness, then you will see others as people you wanna support and offer what you can. So how you see yourself and how you see others creates the world and how you operate in it. It creates your world and how you operate in it.

(04:54):

So take these five components of self-esteem and assess yourself and how you are in your world right now. I'm gonna list them. This is what Reasoner came up with. I've kind of put a little bit of my own wording on here, but I want you just to think about this. Five things. One, I need security. Do I feel certain and safe in my world? I need significance. Do I know and value who I am? Three, I need to belong and feel loved. Do I feel deserving of approval and love? Four, I need purpose. Do I know what I want to achieve my mission? And five, I need to feel competent. Do I believe that I am enough to be loved and respected? Tony Robbins has done amazing work that's very similar to this. He calls it the six human needs and how they are. What drive us to make every decision that we make Behind every one of those decisions is a desire to meet one of these needs.

(06:17):

And a mission statement, which I'm going to help you develop over the next while, is a reflection of all of these five questions, these needs. It's a summary of how you see yourself and it will determine how you see others. So how do you see yourself When you heard those five questions, how did you answer? How are you handling life at the moment?

(06:53):

It was interesting. I came across a study, uh, by uh, it was actually a sea adult midlife health study, and the intention was to understand what stresses midlife women out the most as they hoped. They found an overarching theme after they had interviewed all of these women and compiled all the results. Midlife women, they found out are stretched to the place of losing themselves because they're constantly searching for balance in the middle of multiple co-occurring stressors, while at the same time coping with losses and transitions.

(07:43):

The stressors, the co-occurring stressors included multiple social, psychological, and biological transitions such as menopause and developmental trans transitions related to aging and self-awareness. They also included situational transitions like divorce, taking care of aging parents or launching children. All of these ha things happen all at the same time. We are left to somehow balance everything and deal with the stress at the same time. That comes with loss and change. What did they find was the fallout for women attempting to navigate all of these kinds of issues all at once? Well, just to name a few, the onset of health breakdowns showing up as heart disease, chronic fatigue and stomach issues, <affirmative>, they found strain in relationships with intimate partners, family and kids, resulting often in loneliness, a fear of failing and resentment. And they found some of the stressors resulted in giving up on their dreams and settling for the idea that it's too late. There's no room for me to have the life that I've always wanted anymore.

(09:25):

We know this happens. We see our friends, our relatives, our colleagues just surviving, not thriving. We hear the jokes and the stories, the big belly woman and the fear that creeps into voices and closes off our hearts. Midlife women feel caught in the middle. They've been called the sandwich generation. That's a real term because they're still caring for families and homes and careers while also taking responsibility for aging parents, adult children, and all the things that come with that.

(10:11):

No wonder we lose ourselves and our needs get put right to the bottom. Not only are you dealing with the loss of your own youth, you're trying to be sure that your kids are okay. Your parents are okay. Your business or your job is working so you can survive financially. You know you need to take care of yourself, but who has the time? This is where so many of us give up on our dreams. Give up on ourselves. You give in to coasting through life because you don't have the time, the energy, or the know-how to do anything else, okay?

(10:59):

As bleak as this may seem, it doesn't have to be this way. It's not bleak. You can take all of this life, simplify what it is, and let it be the fire that refines you, like the gold we talked about in the last podcast. I want you to know above all things that nothing has gone wrong here. Just sit with that for a minute. Just breathe. No matter after all, I've described all of what you may be facing.

(11:45):

This is life. It's normal. It's the path with all its twists and turns, hills and valleys. The story, your story, my story. And you can get through this without drama, without panic, and in fact, as if you were just born to handle this stuff, how it ties back to those five burning questions about who you are, how you see yourself, your answers matter because your answers are not just your answers. They are decisions about who you are on this path and how you are going to handle every situation that comes up. Sometimes, yeah, it feels like a bomb has gone off. Sometimes you feel like Wally Coyote in the Roadrunner cartoons. Remember that one from way back in the old days, who was forever having boulders drop on him out of the blue there he was hands and feet sticking out from under this huge rock.

(13:04):

That's you. When you find out that your dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's or your son tells you he is quit university and is moving back home, or you don't get that promotion or that raise, everyone said that you were sure to get bombs, boulders, rocks thrown right at your heart, words and expecta expectations that you don't deserve put on you by others. So here's where we're going with this today. I want you just to think, who do you want to be? Who will you be as the character in your story? Will you take on the role of victim or hero? Will you hide or will you grow the heart of a warrior?

(14:02):

Remember I said that maybe God uses all the changes that midlife to get your attention. What if that was true? It's a signal that it's time to morph, to adapt, to prepare for a curve in the road. Could there be some truth to that? Could this be instead of a long tiresome journey? Could this be an opportunity for you to decide who you are going to be for the rest of your journey here on this earth? Because you're standing right now, even as I'm talking here, you're standing at a crossroads and the decisions you make right now count they matter. Life happens for you, not to you.

(14:59):

Here's what I want you to do today. I want you to get strong on the inside. I want you to start thinking about growing that warrior heart. Because the only way that we get through this life is for you to learn to be the hero and allow yourself to fall, not to fall into the victim mode. Remember how we talked about the diamond in the last episode? The intense heat and pressure deep in the earth transforms ugly, uh, igneous rock to diamonds. This is now one step toward becoming that diamond strong on the inside warrior strong so that nothing pulls you off of being who you have decided to become. No bomb, no boulder, no rocks thrown at you. You, my beautiful friend, are on your way toward growing a warrior heart. We're gonna look at each of these areas over the next few podcasts, so be sure to come back so you can really think about who you are and who you want to become.

(16:14):

Each one is an area of strength that will create the unstoppable, invincible, deeply passionate heart of a warrior. To start, I want you to rate yourself from one to 10. Just think, remember, rate yourself from one to 10 for each question with 10 being a resounding yes. Here's the questions again, one, I need security. Do I feel certain and safe in my life? I need significance. Do I know and value who I am? I need to belong and feel loved. Do I feel deserving of approval and love? I need purpose. Do I know what I want to achieve my mission? I need to feel competent. Do I believe that I'm enough to be loved and respected? You are in my training school, so to speak. Well, life's training school. Really, I'm just the facilitator who has chosen to coach you through this. I don't know your life or how you need to resolve the fallout and the challenges caused by all the bombs and the boulders and the rocks thrown at you on your path.

(17:41):

But I do know how to prepare you to handle it like a champion, like the woman who will be proud of herself at the end of her life and know that she's leaving a legacy of courage. Answering these questions, just like for elementary school children, to build them up and make them feel at home, in the classroom and in life to make them feel important and significant and needed just like them. These answering these questions about self-esteem, about who you are is going to grow you strong on the inside so you can live your life with courage and confidence no matter what.

(18:33):

When you write a passionately personal mission statement, it answers all five of these burning questions. That's what we're gonna do for you. A mission statement, really a personal mission statement, a passionately personal mission statement is a summary of how you see yourself with that as your banner in your life. You will never back down from a challenge again, cause you will know who you are.

(19:08):

Now, if you need help with these questions, if you are really wanting to know how to master this midlife phase, I am here for you. If any of this has resonated with you, I'm your trainer and your coach, it's what I do. Send me an email, ask me anything at bernice@bernicemcdonald.com or go to the show notes or my website, bernice mcdonald.com and book a time so we can talk about this.

(19:39):

And if you wanna get a jump on your actual mission statement, download the very short ebook that I have written for you to be able to do. This guides you step by step how to write your prep passionately personal mission statement. The link is in the show notes or on my website, www.bernicemcdonald.com. I am going to see you after all this fun. We're in for more on the next podcast.